Hi! My name is Osama Bin Laden. Recently I have learned that media outlets around the world have not been giving you the full story about me — my interests, my hobbies, my passions. You cannot judge someone until you know their story. Osama’s Place is my story.

At Osama’s Place, we talk about everything — except politics. It only leads to trouble. It divides people, and that is not what Osama is about. There is so much more to life. So much more to love. At Osama’s Place, I want you to feel welcome to kick off your shoes (in fact, removal of footwear is not optional — don’t test me), pull up a bean bag chair, grab a hookah and get ready to share.

LINKY

I do not normally record video this long before U.S. election. But I was too excited to wait.

(courtesy http://www.tudorspace.com)

I have lost my newest and yet one of my dearest friends, Ahmed Saeed al-Furry. I met al-Furry at my local Petco not three days ago and our bond grew quick and strong. We were together every moment since Allah brought us to one another, praise be he! Did you know that Petco does not accept personal checks? Well now you do.

But al-Furry had a mission to complete and, as important as he was to me, I knew this was even more important to him. So let us not be sad for al-Furry’s passing into martyrdom, but rejoice in his life! al-Furry’s courage is an inspiration to us all. He fought a four-wheeled enemy stronger in every way but in spirit. [click pic to zoom]

I’ve said I would not get political here — I get enough of that at the home base. But because my good friend and colleague Khalid has been running his mouth off in the media, it compels me to mention that Khalid does not like to shower. Also, he Tivo’s every episode of the Gilmore Girls. When he wakes in the morning and leaves his cot, there is a wet spot on the bed. This one time we were hiking on Pashwarjeshi Mountain and he disappeared with my camel — for 20 minutes! Let’s see, what else…oh, I accidentally picked up his iPod one day and got an earfull of Justin Timberlake. When Khalid is with a woman — oh wait, that’s never happened! Snap!

Attention cyberfriends! I am excited to tell you about my new development deal with the FOX Network, purveyor of quality televised programming. I recently threw together a pilot about an angry imam and his hare-brained schemes to destroy the world called “O, Sama!” and to my delight, the suits at FOX totally loved it. To be entirely honest, I first sent the video to my guy Ahmed at Al-Jazeera out of loyalty. Supposedly they thought it was “fresh” and “innovative” but it wasn’t “the direction” they’re going in now. Whatever. We’ll see who gets first look at my next tape.

I shot the pilot on location with my loyal ensemble Khalid “K-Rad” Shaikh Mohammed, Ayman “al-Z” al-Zawahiri, and Abu Musab “the other al-Z” al-Zarqawi. FOX made a creative decision to go with critically-acclaimed Western thespians Tom Arnold as my estranged half-brother, Bronson Pinchot as my clueless roommate of indeterminate foreign origin, and Fran Drescher as my dentist/love interest. Thankfully, Fran brings to the role the same impeccable comic timing and extraordinary range originally played by al-Zarqawi.

So check it out — “O, Sama!” Mondays at 9PM on FOX, right after the new season of “Celebrity Bulimia Challenge.”

Believe it or not, I’m not really a summer guy. The dry heat makes my skin break out. You can’t find any decent sunscreen around here — SPF 10? What’s the point? Worst of all, the scorching sun saps my motivation. Why bother will all this work — the coordinating, the training, the plotting — when all I want to do is lie in the shade with my portable mister. What I wouldn’t do for a brisk autumn day. Something to put a little hair on my chest.

I voted for ‘Crash’ but I never even saw it. My ballot arrived on a busy day full of strategy sessions and teambuilding exercises. Cooperation is very important in my business. As is timing. And timers. Anyway … when I saw the envelope was from the Academy I tore it open right away thinking it might be an invitation to present. I had a Brokeback joke prepared that would have totally killed. We don’t see many first run films here. There’s just one art house theater called ‘The Tent’ and they’ve been playing a Mark Ruffalo festival since 2004 by popular demand. I couldn’t hold up our exercises any longer (timers, remember), so I checked off ‘Crash’ because I liked the title. I really didn’t think it would win. So if it was an undeserved victory, please accept Osama’s apology.

I spilled Folgers instant all over my cleric’s tunic. Do you know how hard it is to remove coffee stains? This is never going to come out. Damn these trembling morning hands! I have a video shoot planned in two days, the nearest laundromat is in Islamabad, and half their coin slots are always jammed. Why does this always happen at the worst possible times? Argh Akbar!

I recently had a few extra hours remaining on my video camera rental. These Hi-8’s are amazing. So I threw together a little music video. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been dabbling in alt-country. Jeff Tweedy is a god (but not the God, praise be he!). This is my cover of Hummingbird, but with a retro look and some worldbeat drums. Too bad you can’t hear it. Hopefully it’ll play soon on Al-Jazeera Music Television 2 (do they even play music on AJMTV anymore??) Osama loves you, Wilco!